Best Australian Yarns Read online

  Jim Haynes was born in Sydney, attended Sydney Boys’ High School and Sydney Teachers’ College and then went bush to teach in towns like Menindee, on the Darling River, and Inverell in northern New South Wales. In between stints ‘in the bush’ he spent several years working in Britain and also gained two masters’ degrees in literature, from the University of New England and the University of Wales.

  Throughout his teaching career, Jim was usually in a band or group as a singer. He started the Bandy Bill & Co Bush Band in 1977 and also worked in radio on 2NZ Inverell and the ABC’s popular Australia All Over program.

  A major career change in 1988 saw him signed as a solo recording artist to Festival Records. Other record deals followed, along with hits like ‘Mow Ya Lawn’, ‘Since Cheryl Went Feral’ and ‘Don’t Call Wagga Wagga Wagga’. He created the first morning variety shows at the Tamworth Country Music Festival and toured his own shows, as well as touring with artists like Slim Dusty, Melinda Schneider and Adam Brand. He has hosted the Pat Glover Memorial Story Telling Awards at the Port Fairy Folk Festival for almost twenty years.

  Jim has written and compiled over twenty books and released many albums of his own songs, verse and humour. He still works as an entertainer and has a weekend Australiana segment on Radio 2UE’s long running George and Paul show.

  Jim lives at Moore Park in Sydney with his wife, Robyn. He collects colonial art, plays tennis twice a week, supports the Sydney Swans and can walk to Randwick Racecourse in ten minutes.

  THE BEST

  AUSTRALIAN

  YARNS

  . . . AND OTHER

  TRUE STORIES

  JIM HAYNES

  Published by Allen & Unwin in 2013

  Copyright © Jim Haynes 2013

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

  Every effort has been made to contact persons owning copyright in the stories published in this book. In cases where this has not been possible, owners are invited to contact Allen & Unwin.

  Allen & Unwin

  83 Alexander Street

  Crows Nest NSW 2065

  Australia

  Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100

  Fax: (61 2) 9906 2218

  Email: [email protected]

  Web: www.allenandunwin.com

  Cataloguing-in-Publication details are available

  from the National Library of Australia

  www.trove.nla.gov.au

  ISBN 978 1 74331 683 2

  eISBN 978 1 74343 585 4

  Set in 12/15 pt Minion Pro by Bookhouse, Sydney

  THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF THE LATE

  PAT GLOVER 1915–2005 – THE PORT FAIRY SHANAKEE

  CONTENTS

  Introduction

  Aussie Humour

  King Kong’s Bum

  If Ya Can’t Catch ’Em, Shoot ’Em!

  ‘It’s Not Sydney, You Know!’

  Cologne or Dubbo

  El Dubbo

  Lunch for Dipso Dan

  Be Careful with Babies Lennie Lower

  The Bachelors’ Guide to the Care of the Young Lennie Lower

  The Mute Boy

  Too Much Argument

  Aussie Sporting Clangers

  Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow Jim Haynes and Paddy Ryan

  April Fool!

  Poor Ol’ Grandad Grahame Watt

  A Tall Tale of Tagged Trout Paul B. Kidd

  One Wish Frank Daniel

  A Grave Mistake

  Miles from Sydney

  Tale of a Tooth Henry E. Horne

  The Barrel of Bricks

  The Goat Machine

  That Cramming Feeling of School Days Lennie Lower

  The Weelabarabak Bugle

  Home Beautiful Lennie Lower

  Solace Frank Daniel

  Dad and Dave

  Real Beaut News

  Grand Final Day

  Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining

  Arithmetic Traditional/Jim Haynes

  Desert Island 1

  Desert Island 2

  The Liars Henry E. Horne

  Real Aussie Characters

  William Dawes: The Man Who Wouldn’t Collect Heads

  Francis Greenway: The Arrogant Convict

  James Hardy Vaux: Who Was Transported Three Times

  Captain Piper: Who Fathered Eighteen Children by Five Different Women

  Billy Blue: The Old Commodore

  The Flying Pieman: The Eccentric and Athletic Entrepreneur

  Sir Henry Despard: His Inglorious Career

  John Knatchbull: Who Pleaded Insanity

  Teddy Davis: Our Only Jewish Bushranger

  Frank Gardiner: King of the Road

  Sam Poo: Australia’s Only Chinese Bushranger

  Barney the Builder: The Empire’s ‘Mr Fixit’

  J.F. Archibald: The Fake French Visionary

  Larry Foley: The Father of Aussie Boxing

  Foley and The Green Anonymous

  Mei Quong Tart: Mandarin of the Fifth Degree with a Scottish Accent

  Breaker Morant: ‘Shoot Straight, You Bastards . . .’

  A Memory of Breaker Morant A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  Billy Hughes: The Little Digger

  Percy Grainger: The Oddest Oddball of Them All

  Arthur Stace: Mr Eternity

  Hubert Wilkins: The Aussie Who Was Scattered at the North Pole

  Annette Kellerman: The Perfect Woman

  Roy Rene: Mo

  Bea Miles: Delightfully Eccentric and Proudly Australian

  Smoky Dawson: The Aussie Cowboy

  Smoky on the Radio

  Aussie Myths and Mysteries

  Men Come to Australia Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas

  The Coachman’s Yarn E.J. Brady

  The Flood Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas

  I’m the Man Frank Daniel

  The Mystery of the Mahogany Ship

  The Yowie

  Koala and Kangaroo Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas

  Bunyips

  The Bunyip James Devaney

  Seven Sisters Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas

  The Legend of Fisher’s Ghost

  The Bunyip and the Whistling Kettle John Manifold

  Why the Crow is Black Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas

  The Tantanoola Tiger

  The Rainbow Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas

  The Ghost of the Princess Theatre

  Evening Star Traditional/Jenkyn Thomas

  The Demon Snow-Shoes: A Legend of Kiandra Barcroft Boake

  The Mystery of the SS Waratah

  The Speewah Anonymous

  Crooked Mick

  Shearing on the Speewah Anonymous

  Heat Lennie Lower

  The Legend of the Oozlum Bird W.T. Goodge

  Drinking Yarns

  Rum, by Gum!

  James Squire: Who Stole Nine Chooks and Was Given a Cow

  Bluey Brink Anonymous

  A Letter to The Bulletin Henry Lawson

  How O’Leary Broke the Drought Jack Sorensen

  Name Your Poison

  McCarthy’s Brew George Essex Evans

  A Bush Publican’s Lament Henry Lawson

  The Guile of Dad McGinnis W.T. Goodge

  The Oldest Pub in
Australia

  Mulligan’s Shanty W.T. Goodge

  The Oldest Pub in Sydney?

  A Curious Reminiscence Alexander Montgomery

  The Enterprise of Peter Degraves

  How Aussie Is Foster’s?

  Carlton United and Castlemaine

  Crawliwigs Traditional/Jim Haynes

  Pub Names

  Booze and Sport

  A Friendly Game of Football Edward Dyson

  Court Day at Billybilly Anonymous

  Dipso and the Twins

  Anzac Night in the Gardens Lennie Lower

  Drinks with a Kick in Them Lennie Lower

  How Sexy Rex Cleared the Bar

  Yarns from Our Past

  The Dogged Captain Cook

  Forgery on the High Seas John White

  HMS Sirius Sails Round the World

  Mary Bryant Goes Home

  Our First Free Settlers

  The Man They Couldn’t Hang

  Who Crossed the Blue Mountains?

  The Amazing Captain Swallow

  The Cyprus Brig Frank McNamara

  The 99th Regiment are Revolting!

  The Three Coolangattas

  The Colony that Never Was

  Hanged in Uniform

  Boomerang Payback

  ‘Ben Hall Permitting’

  Brave Ben Hall Anonymous

  A ‘Touch of Home’: Rabbits in Australia

  Rabbit Anonymous

  Australia’s Belfast

  The Flying Chinaman

  Where’s the River?

  A Nautical Yarn Keighly Goodchild

  The Night They Burnt the Rodney

  The Rodney Dennis O’Keeffe

  The ‘Failure’ that Succeeded: Mildura Irrigation Colony

  The Grog Comes to Mildura Monty Grover

  How Sydney was Remodelled by the Plague

  Ross Smith and the Great Race

  Radio 2UE

  The Pleasure Ferry Rodney

  The Enemy Below

  Bush Yarns and Tall Tales

  The Queensland Border

  Mulga Bill’s Bicycle A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  Bullocky Bill is Missing

  How We Cashed the Pig Jack Sorensen

  Buffalo Fly, Go Away Lennie Lower

  The Shearer’s Nightmare Anonymous

  The Loaded Croc Paul B. Kidd

  Scotty’s Wild Stuff Stew Francis Humphris-Brown

  ’Ard Tac Anonymous

  What Are Their Names?

  The Spider from the Gwydir Anonymous

  Late for School

  Service Anonymous

  Straight from the Horse’s Mouth Lennie Lower

  How McDougal Topped the Score Thomas E. Spencer

  How We Lost Hopkins Frank Daniel

  Holus Bolus E.G. Murphy

  Guilty as Charged

  Someone Pinched Our Firewood Jim Haynes

  The Big Load Frank Daniel

  Mickety Mulga T. Ranken

  Daley’s Dorg Wattle W.T. Goodge

  The Bullocky’s Tale Anonymous

  Cruel Tactics of the Emu Lennie Lower

  Tall Timber C.J. Dennis

  I’m Not Lost

  The Boaster and the Outlaw Anonymous

  A Snake Yarn W.T. Goodge

  Aussie Icons

  Captain James Cook: Great Navigator, Poor Yarn Spinner

  Captain Cook

  Matthew Flinders - The Man Who Named Australia

  The Black Stump

  Freeman Cobb—The Man Who Stayed Three Years

  The Lights of Cobb and Co Henry Lawson

  Sydney’s Famous Ferries

  Sydney-Side Henry Lawson

  The Melbourne Cup: How Rivalry Created an Aussie Icon

  The Melbourne Cup Lesbia Harford

  Blind Freddy

  Burke and Wills: The ‘Dig’ Saga

  Ned Kelly: Villain or Hero?

  Ned Kelly Anonymous

  The Ashes

  Sackcloth and— C.J. Dennis

  Nellie Melba

  When Enrico Slipped Nellie the Sausage

  Melba C.J. Dennis

  A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  Banjo Ted Harrington

  Wattle and Waratah

  Waratah and Wattle Henry Lawson

  Surf Lifesaving: A ‘Reel’ Great Invention

  Charles Kingsford-Smith: Tragic and Troubled Hero

  Kingsford-Smith Winifred Tennant

  Qantas

  The Aussie Airline

  How Two Children’s Stories Saved the Koala

  The Coathanger

  ‘I Saw Phar Lap’

  Phar Lap Anonymous

  Chesty Bond: The Cartoon Hero with the Premier’s Jaw

  Slim Dusty

  The Opera House: Bennelong Point or Wynyard?

  Aussies at War

  The Fighting 29

  Get Hold of that Brush

  Before Gallipoli—There Was Elands River

  Elands River George Essex Evans

  Recruited at the Town Hall: A Yarn about Enlisting in 1914 ‘Haystack’ Hanman

  Call the Cook

  Peaceable-Looking Men Joseph L. Beeston

  Shrapnel Tom Skeyhill

  Sergeant Major Murphy

  An Anzac Meets a Lord

  Horses and Viewing Platforms Joseph L. Beeston

  My Little Wet Home in the Trench Tom Skeyhill

  Private Donnelly’s Yarns Anonymous

  Who Goes There?

  How Some Aussie Soldiers Got the Hump

  Palestine and Poets Anonymous

  It’s not Cricket!

  Freighter Tip Kelaher

  Jack Edmondson

  Lest We Forget

  Tobruk Anonymous

  How Would I Be?

  Middle East Song Anonymous

  Bigger than Pearl Harbor

  Mitsuo Fuchida, Sky Pilot

  Japan’s First Defeat—Milne Bay

  The Brave 39th

  The 39th Battalion Dennis O’Keeffe

  Private Kingsbury

  Private Kelliher

  A Mystery Solved: HMAS Sydney

  Lost With All Hands Peter Mace

  Racing Yarns

  Not Bad

  What’s in a Name?

  What Price Possumum?

  You Can’t Lose—At Least, Not To a Horse

  The Man Who Liked Lot 41

  Weight Was Right A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  The Amateur Rider A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  A-maizing Escape A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  The Stuttering Stablehand

  Bottle Queen Traditional/Jim Haynes

  The Only Undefeated Melbourne Cup Winner

  The Grog-an’-Grumble Steeplechase Henry Lawson

  The Horse who Couldn’t Get his Shoes on

  Flying Kate Anonymous

  I Have a Dream!

  Flash Jack’s Last Race A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  Ask the Horse A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  The Two Falcons

  Too Many Tim Whifflers!

  Robinson Crusoe

  A Post-Cup Tale C.J. Dennis

  No Chance

  Wrong Diagnosis

  When Bushrangers Stole a Melbourne Cup Winner

  Father Riley’s Horse A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  Roughneck

  How the Favourite Beat Us A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  A Cunning Plan

  The Old Timer’s Steeplechase A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  Railway Yarns

  How New South Wales Got a Railway

  The Great Zig Zag

  How We Got a National Park

  The Flying Gang A.B. (Banjo) Paterson

  How Shellharbour Became Dunmore Russell Hannah

  Thin Ice Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes

  A Fair Go for New Australians Chris Holley

  The Pub with No Railway Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes

  Breakfast on the Banjo Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes

  1174 Anonymous

  Stargaz
er Jones and the Cat Russell Hannah

  The End of the Line

  Saved by a Cigarette Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes

  Uncle Alex Meets Timetable Scottie Alex Hood/Jim Haynes

  Hit for Six

  The Never-Never Railway Line

  Fare Evasion Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes

  The Runaway Train Grahame Watt

  Mean Mike Russell Hannah/Jim Haynes

  The Ladies in Grey

  Triple R Lady

  Perhaps I’m Sentimental

  Acknowledgements

  INTRODUCTION

  The term ‘yarn spinning’ comes from the days when threads of wool or cotton were hand spun into yarn—which was a more substantial product and could be used to make cloth.

  So, like the real yarn spinners, the person telling a yarn takes some threads of a story and makes something substantial or meaningful from them.

  There is a clue in our language that tells us that most yarn spinners in olden times were female. The word ‘spinster’ means an unmarried woman. This was because in the days before the Industrial Revolution many single females earned their living by spinning yarn—and probably told stories as they did it. So ‘occupation, spinster’ came to mean ‘unmarried woman’.

  Yarns are not really full-blown stories, because they are usually about one single incident or event and don’t have to have a beginning, middle and end—although some do.

  Yarns are not really jokes. They don’t have to have a punch line or be funny, though many are. People expect a good yarn to be at least entertaining and interesting, but not necessarily funny. It is true, however, that yarns are the way we have preserved and developed our Australian sense of humour.

  If there is an Australian sense of humour, it seems to me to be about laughing at ourselves and supporting the underdog, but it’s hard to say exactly where the Australian sense of humour came from.

  Obviously Irish and Cockney elements were very strong in the development of our sense of humour. Word play and alcohol have played a large part in what Australians have found funny over the past two hundred years. The more dry, deadpan humour that is also found in our favourite yarns might have come from the settlers and convicts who hailed from Yorkshire, Lancashire, the West Country and other rural areas of Britain.

  What is often forgotten in discussions about the Australian sense of humour is that Indigenous Australians have a wonderful and unique sense of humour and are among the most amusing people I know to sit and yarn with. Aboriginal humour is mostly broad, self-deprecating and ironic. It is often very ‘in-house’ and sometimes delightfully rude.

  The naming of the yearly festival, held in Melbourne since the 1950s, is a case in point. The festival is called Moomba and the story goes that original organisers wanted a new and unique name, so they asked local Aboriginal elders to suggest something and received the reply ‘Moomba’, which they were assured meant ‘let’s get together and have fun’. Years later someone finally let the cat out of the bag and confessed that ‘Moomba’ in the local dialect actually means ‘up your bum’!